Skye Michiels is a recognized Motivational Speaker, Coach and Leader in the Real Estate industry. Fueled by a love of education and creating meaningful connections, Skye has helped thousands of Realtors develop the skills and strategies necessary to elevate their business. Currently, Skye is the National Head Of Agent Development at Compass where he is creating and teaching a national training curriculum across the country.
In early 2020, Skye started The 6AMERS, an achievement and accountability group made up of people who are dedicated to helping each other create a healthy mindset, happiness in their personal lives, and achievement in their professional life through waking up early, having a routine, and building a community that cares and helps each other out. The group grew into a nationwide phenomenon, with hundreds of people joining each day. In September 2022, Skye and his cohost Emily will launch the 6AMERS podcast to further the message of the 6AMERS.
When Skye is not traveling the country teaching, speaking, and motivating others, you can find him spending time with his kids and their dog, Pickles.
In this episode, Skye and Bryan discuss:
- Taking care of ourselves first so that we can take care of others better
- Skye’s divorce and how they ensured it was a healthy choice and process
- Meeting people halfway when we disagree to facilitate learning
Transcript:
Bryan Wish:
Skye, welcome to the One Away Show.
Skye Michiels:
Thanks, Bryan. I’m so excited to be on here and I know we’ve known each other for a little bit now, but I’m really excited to dive into deeper conversation.
Bryan Wish:
Well, it’s been great getting to know you and seeing all the positive content and what you’re sharing with the world. I’m excited to dive in as well. Skye, you told me a little bit before the show where you’re going to go, I don’t know fully yet, but why don’t you tell us though, what is the one away moment that you have for us today?
Skye Michiels:
Well, it’s funny because you asked the question of like, well, what was one of the moments in your life that changed the trajectory of your life? Obviously there’s lots of them. I could come back to my decision to go to Syracuse, my decision to row crew, decision to get into real estate. The one for me that really is prominent and changed the trajectory of my life in a positive way, and this is going to be ironic for you to probably hear, is the moment I uttered the words, I want to get a divorce to my now ex-wife and co-parent and friend and everything like that. The year, it was November of 2016, and it was a weekend before Thanksgiving. Leading up to that, my wife and I, Kristin were 10 years of marriage, two beautiful children. We’re two great people. And we’re two pretty opposite people.
We’d been to therapy many times. I think we probably had about four therapists at that point and just things weren’t great, to be honest with you. And leading up till the six months prior, I was just withdrawn, I guess is the best way to put it. Right? I was focused on my career. I was a real estate agent, so it was very, very easy for me to hide in business. At the same time, Kristin was going through some of her personal struggles as well. We both were at this point that we just were coexisting, maybe was the best way to put it. Right? I knew I needed help, so I actually started seeing an individual therapist. And in that process, you run through this.What if scenarios, I’ll call it, in your mind. What if we stay together for the kids and when they go to college and maybe we make a decision? What if we get divorced and we ruin our kids lives?
The what if game is a horrible game to play, because there is no answer to it and there’s no road but down when you start playing it. In my process of going through therapy and really trying to get back in touch with myself, because you lose yourself when you’re going through trauma and turmoil, I’ve realized the fact that as hard of a decision as it was, our future, we make amazing parents, beautiful parents. I’m so proud of who we are as parents, but we just didn’t work together as a couple. If that makes sense. And we not for lack of effort, not for lack of blood, sweat, and tears, but at the end of the day we just didn’t work. And for me, one of my greatest fears is hurting someone or letting someone down.
The idea of saying those words, of I want a divorce, I couldn’t even imagine saying those because of the fact I knew the pain that that was going to unfold. But in going through individual therapy, I finally was getting to the point where I was like, this is the direction we’re going to go. I remember we were in a massive argument. I don’t know Bryan if have you ever been in an argument with a partner where it’s like, it was bad. it was one of those ones where it was just, just so much anger. It was this moment that came over me and I said, I want a divorce. And it was a bomb dropping. That was the moment.
Bryan Wish:
Well, it’s admirable that you can speak five years later with love and compassion for the partner on the other side, I think that’s rare. And also that testament to probably who you are and who she is right as a person. But also like you said, a bomb and a life altering moment for you, your kids and her. I’m sure a lot of unraveling, unfolded after. Before we maybe get to the unraveling of what happened after, you said a couple things and maybe I want to touch on that I thought would might be insightful or helpful to listeners or your own community. You said that when you entered the relationship or as you wedded together, you noticed a slew of differences you had. I’m just curious, looking back as you can look at things more objectively, less emotionally, what were some of those differences? And do you wish you had maybe known those going in or how would you have known?
Skye Michiels:
It’s a beautiful question, and I think, well, so I’ll answer the first part. So some of the differences on a basic level we’ll say, I’m messy, I’m a tornado. I’ll come in, throw my clothes on the floor. I’ll clean them up later. I got too much to do and she’s very organized. So that’s one. I’m a morning person. She’s not. I like waking up early in the morning and she likes to sleep. And you could go sort on and on. There’s a whole list of things that are nuances that make us different. I think in some ways, if you are, it’s possible to have differences that are complimentary and enhance our relationship. But for us, our differences really pulled us apart. It’s one of those situations where I’m glad I didn’t know before. Let’s put it like this, I’m really glad I didn’t know where I would go because of the fact that I have two beautiful children that I would do everything exactly over knowing that I would get these two amazing children.
I think in many ways, this, whatever, I would never want to go back and do it all over again, because this was my path, who I am today to your point of the call, these moments are the moments that make up who we are. And rather than a lot of people will go and look at their past and say, I wish this didn’t happen, I wish I could have done this differently, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish. My philosophy is, I’m so glad this happened. I know it sounds weird, but I’m so glad that I was able to be married to Kristin and I frankly got divorced from her in a way that I think can impart some education and a model for other people in the future as well.
Bryan Wish:
Absolutely. Well, I love how you look at past. I don’t regret it. And you don’t look at it with pity or carry that weight with you forward. You can speak about it in a way that feels very processed. And also you found the gratitude and the silver linings within, it sounds like. So definitely want to get there. One more question on this node before we start going into the future a little bit, when you said things were going off kilter, I needed my own individual therapist and I came to that reckoning of this is the decision I need to make. I’m more of been studying, learning, having conversations the last few years in relationships, we often bring in our own set of trauma or baggage into it. As you were able to maybe look at your own cracks in the mirror, if willing to share, what are some things that you think you brought in that you’ve had to reckon with and evolve from since then?
Skye Michiels:
It’s such a great question. One of the things that I’ve had to learn a prize, continue to learn the rest of my life, is the fact that I am not responsible for other people’s happiness. I think a lot of us we walk around our worlds hoping that the things we do make people happy and basing our happiness on their happiness. And if that describes you, I’m going to tell you that you are basically setting yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness, ironically. Because of the fact that we don’t control other people. We don’t control what they think, what they feel, what they experience. We only control what we are what we do and how we show up to the world.
And that for me was one of my childhood, probably not traumas, but we grew up poor. When you’re in a situation where it was me, my two sisters and my mom and we all just scrapped by and we all pitched in, we did this out of love. We never wanted to let anyone else down. We always wanted everyone else to be happy. But at the end of the day, it’s hard. My mom was working two jobs. I was playing sports and working a job. My sisters were working and playing sports, all the stuff that you’re doing. That was something I probably carried with me through my life, into my marriage for sure. And something that I work on today, and I’ll always probably work on in the future is making sure that my happiness is my responsibility, no one else’s.
And anyone else’s happiness is not my responsibility. That’s not to say I can’t be someone who shows up to people in a positive way. That’s not to say I can’t help people, but I can’t help people with an expectation of their being a return, of their like, all right, if I do this, they’re going to do this.
Bryan Wish:
Well, I love the self love or compassion for yourself and filling for your own cup first and looking out for your own needs. It makes sense it stemmed from you grew up in an environment where you were just trying to get by and putting everyone else first, so you as a family could get by. So you never maybe saw that as a model behavior. And I think what’s so interesting by asking for the divorce, to go back to where we started, that was probably the most ultimate form of love. I don’t want to project, but in retrospect that you could have done for yourself and probably for your now ex-wife by giving you guys both the chance to heal and get through things.
Skye Michiels:
There was the decision point of living and I’m sure Bryan you know people who are unhappy in marriage, right? I’m sure. Everyone around them knows it, their kids know it, they know it, their family knows it, yet they, quote unquote, are together for the kids or they’re together for X, Y, Z. I personally know that, well, I love Kristin and she’s an amazing person, but we just were not a match from a marriage standpoint, a relationship standpoint. Do you know what I mean? And that’s okay. It’s not like we got divorced after a month of marriage and threw in the towel in our first fight or something like that. Two great kids. We worked at it. We tried and it didn’t work. I think in many ways when you know something has failed and you know something, and I don’t know if you can see my t-shirt.
Bryan Wish:
Yeah.
Skye Michiels:
It’s a Nelson Mandela quote. So good for your Africa trip. “I never lose either win or I learn.” When I even shouldn’t use that word failure, when you get to a point where you recognize it’s not working and you’re not happy. To stay in a situation where you’re not happy, just because you, quote unquote, should, or just because you’re afraid of what other people are going to think, or because of the fact that there’s some dire financial consequences maybe, or your family’s going to be upset, you name it. Right? Whatever the situation is, if you refuse to pursue your own happiness because of X, Y, Z, you’re just digging a hole that eventually you’re going to fill it with alcohol, with an affair, with whatever, you fill in the blank.
Something bad is going to come into that place, that hole that exists. And that was a decision that I wanted to make sure I did not live a life of unhappiness and live a life of just survival.
Bryan Wish:
Sure. Absolutely. Well, I admire how you handled that. Right? It sounds like in the most healthy way possible and not numbing yourself. And speaking of Nelson Mandela, or I’m halfway through is autobiography. Great book, if you haven’t read.
Skye Michiels:
Looking forward to reading that.
Bryan Wish:
Absolutely. Well, I want to maybe bring, when you said back to where we started and you said, I asked for the divorce. What started to happen from there? You’ve been on this, from what I’ve known in the last six or seven months, I think this amazing personal development journey and building community of thousands of people and making a mark inside your own company. What did this trigger inspire for you? I’ll pause.
Skye Michiels:
Most people probably think, well that started the whole process. It didn’t. We actually decided to give it one more chance and we went back to therapy again, and it was very evident in four to five sessions, we’ll call it, that wasn’t there. After saying that comment and the bomb going off and there a lot of emotion, a lot of crying, a lot of energy. And then we tried again. I agreed to give it one more shot and we did go back to another therapist and it just wasn’t there, so to speak. After probably several months, about the decision point of, we need to figure out the next steps, so to speak. We made a decision, the best thing, and I will for the rest of my life thank Kristin for this. We made a decision to put our children first, above money, above our ego, above image, above our personal desires to spend time with them certain times.
Once we agreed on our common goal of putting our kids as our number one priority in this process, everything else flowed from there. We hired a mediator. If you can’t tell I like therapy. We actually hired a co-parenting therapist, which was amazing. Because here’s the reality, there’s almost no help for people getting divorced. There’s almost no help out there. And it’s just something I’m really passionate about. I’m really passionate about talking about it because of the fact that you feel very alone, and there’s a lot of shame that goes around this topic. There’s a lot of energy that goes into beating yourself up that you couldn’t make it work, that you have a failed marriage, that the friends you used to go out to dinner with, maybe I can’t go out to dinner with them anymore.
It’s now three people to dinner instead of four, you get the point. There’s so much energy that goes into this process that is damaging. The reality is over half the marriages in our country end in divorce. But yet we have no model to say, here’s a healthy way to do this. What do we see? We see on TV and social media and all these images of people just tearing each other apart. And like I said, I will always thank Kristin for the rest of my life for putting our children first and me as well. We agreed that that was our common goal, we’re going to have 50, 50 custody. We hired a mediator. To make a long story short, we took a very long time in sort solving everything and getting everything in place.
Once again, it probably took us about three years maybe to get the divorce finalized and not because there was this animosity, it’s because of we got the mediator, that took a long time. We were both busy. We were both trying to figure out our new lives. There wasn’t a problem, so we didn’t press it either, ironically. It wasn’t like I was sitting there saying like, oh my God, I need this divorce now, that situation. Mainly just because of the fact that we were all, the four of us, and actually not even the four of us, our families were navigating this whole process too. And that’s one thing when you get divorced you think about, it’s just you or your ex-wife, but it really ripples out to your families. Holidays, graduations, kid events, dance recitals. How do you show up in these events?
And for us, the time it took to get divorced, in my opinion was a very therapeutic time because it allowed us to heal and allowed us to really work on ourselves. And it allowed our families to start to understand this new pathway and family we were creating. And a line I used all the time was that the state of Pennsylvania does not determine my family, I get to determine my family. The word family is not defined by a piece of paper or a ring. How many people do you know that maybe are not even blood relatives that you call brother or uncle or family. I was on the crew team at college and those guys are my brothers. There’s some guys that grew up with in high school that are my brothers, truly are family members of mine.
And when I got divorced, I would say this line over and over and over, I get to choose what family is, not state of Pennsylvania.
Bryan Wish:
That’s beautiful, in three years, it sounds like do it right, put your kids first. I love what you said. I was a product of divorce or not really a product of divorce, but-
Skye Michiels:
You experienced it.
Bryan Wish:
I experienced it in a way that was totally opposite of the way you, and I probably just healed from that last year. And having, like you said, right? I think a model that puts the kids first and does it out of love is clearly missing from society. I’m just curious too, from your kid’s perspective, if you don’t mind sharing, how are your kids today with everything? What do they think of divorce? Are they so trauma? Do you think they still carry wounds with them?
Skye Michiels:
Our kids are thriving and the way. I guess the way I equate it is that when we were married, our kids experienced half of us because of the fact that the other half of us was not happy and we were fighting and we weren’t fully there. The way a line I use is I’m 100% dad, 50% of the time. Meaning I’m always, they get 100% of me when they’re with me. The other beautiful thing is that their home is two homes. I have a key to Kristin’s house. She has a key to my house. We flow together. Every single holiday we do together, every single birthday we do together. And at the end of the day, the relief, and Bryan you probably can remember this from growing up, how much fear or what was the feeling like of the holidays?
Bryan Wish:
It was not met with the same piece and joy that is reflected on your face.
Skye Michiels:
I think it’s one of those situations where I wanted to make sure my kids when they were looking forward to Christmas, for example, we’re not afraid of like, well, where am I going to celebrate it? When am I going to see my father or my mother? The unknown that children experience creates a lot of damage and trauma. So for my kids to know, and we mainly celebrate that holiday, for example, at Kristin’s, but I’ll be there all day. Basically we’ll sleep. I’ll come home. We live a mile apart from each other, so we’re really close and I’ll wake up early in the morning, get there and I’ll fall asleep on the couch, so when they get up I’m there for example. So that the peace and calm that they know that both parents A are going to be in the same room together, B are going to be happy in the same room together, and C their lives, they’re not spending their precious childhood figuring out, wait, where am I going? What am I doing? Who’s going to be upset? Who’s not going to be upset?
I don’t know what you experienced Bryan, but how do I make sure my mom is okay? I don’t want my eight year old son to worry about taking care of me. He should worry about playing with his Legos. And a lot of kids growing up in divorce, worry, they grow up at a very young age trying to take care of their parents or being pawns in this game of anger that their parents are playing. And it’s sad, frankly. Let me be very, very clear to anyone listening, this was not a perfect process. This is not like, wave a magic wand, and we have rainbows and unicorns flying around this. This took work. It still takes work. It still takes communication. It still takes coordinating calendars. It still takes compromise.
In my mind, if you have children and you get divorced, you’re married and you love your kids, you’re married the rest of your life. That’s the mindset to walk into it. So that same concepts of compromise, communication, care, et cetera, hold true. And ironically yesterday, Kristin, she’s been going through some tougher times. She’s a long term sub. She’s now in between jobs, she’s going to get a new job. And then yesterday we met, we had a great conversation about supporting each other. We did our calendar for the month, et cetera. And literally I sent her flowers yesterday. I said, thank you. Because of the fact I appreciated so much how supportive she was for me, so I wanted to make sure I showed up to her in a level of support.
It’s one of those situations where you have to really, all the concepts of being married still hold true and divorce, but they’re just in a different tone as opposed to the tone of love and our relationship kind of thing.
Bryan Wish:
Wow. Well, first off, it’s rare. I’m sure it’s talked to many, but also I think, like you said, the opportunity to create change around this. I love what you said, this wasn’t perfect, this was messy, but you’ve navigated your way through it, so your kids can have a childhood that they look back on and say, yeah, maybe it wasn’t the normal, traditional, married kind of parent, but they did an incredible job. What a beautiful story at the end of the day. I know it’s work, but I got to give it to you, that’s incredible.
Skye Michiels:
Thanks, man. Actually it’s one of those things I was not proud of my marriage, but I’m very proud of my divorce. It’s an ironic statement probably to say, but it’s true. I want to hopefully continue with that pride. And once again, it’s a constant process of working at it and getting better every day.
Bryan Wish:
Absolutely. Well, we’ve covered a lot of ground in the short period of time, so let’s keep this great flow going. Obviously when events happen to us, you obviously took the path of winning or learning as your shirt says. But they’re typically catalysts for us in other ways. I’ve like I mentioned earlier watched just over the last six, seven months since we’ve met, just be a positive force for good and change in catalyst I’m sure for thousands of others. What are some of the things that have been transpiring in your own life that, where you’re able to carry these lessons forward to help other people show up with love and compassion and valuing of self?
Skye Michiels:
For me, I guess I want to envision a world where people see that love and kindness is a source of power and strength, and that we can be loving and kind, and that in and of itself creates power and strength. I think we live in a little bit of a culture and a world where we view power and strength as something totally different than love and kindness. And if we can start to switch that up and if we can start to insert this concept, that by showing up to someone in a loving and kind way, that is actually showing up in a powerful and strong way. And that concept right there is one that I really want to make sure people listening, digest and internalize and think about, what can I do today to show up with kindness and love and how can that be powerful? Does that make sense?
Bryan Wish:
Absolutely.
Skye Michiels:
I think a lot of times we think in order to be powerful, we need to be hard or strong or yelling and screaming or working out in the gym or whatever you see on social media, or you got to be docile and roll over. I’m trying to illustrate the two extremes, so to speak. And in many ways if you can combine these two things and make them one where you walk down this road, where you know that man, I’m just going to be exuding love and kindness, and as I do that, the power and strength that’s going to happen around me is going to just build and build and build. I think that’s a concept that I’ve been really working hard at trying to make sure that it’s very clear in everything I talk about, it’s also very clear in everything I present about.
My hope is that agents that I work with or other people I come in contact with, or maybe people that just hear me on social media or on this podcast, it’ll make you think of what you can do today to show up with that love and kindness. And then as you do that more and more, you’re going to start to notice power and strength merge in your life. And you’re going to start to notice changes that happen mainly to you. Mainly to who you are, how you walk through the world, how you wake up in the morning, how you go to bed at night. How many people listening to this go to bed at night stressed and worried, and in negative places? How many people wake up diving into social media or email or text or work and just start your day in this horrible place?
I want to challenge everyone to think about going to bed thinking of love and kindness, waking up thinking of love of kindness. And then the middle of that day what’s going to happen is power and strength emerge. And that is this magical formula that I think is missing from a lot of people and our society in general. You look at politics right now, politics is all about tearing people apart. You think that I’m not going to talk to you anymore. Right? It’s crazy. And instead of saying, I love you, your viewpoint’s different from me, but I love you. I’m going to be kind to you, and I want to understand you. That doesn’t mean I need to agree with that viewpoint, but that’s where we create powerful outcomes.
Look at what’s happening in the world today, we’re not creating powerful outcomes, we’re creating division, we’re creating anger, we’re creating animosity, we’re creating fear, rather than if we all approached it with this concept. Think about Mandela, think about the change that he created by showing love and kindness and the power and strength that emerged from that. Martin Luther King, Gandhi, you can go down the list over and over and over of these powerful people in history that used love and kindness in order to create outcomes and in order to create power. I think it’s a hope of mine that we can start to at least have impact where we can and shift this world into a world where we can disagree and we can love each other.
Bryan Wish:
Well, first, it’s such a hard concept if maybe you’re not maybe a spiritual or so weakened or have hit a moment in your life that’s really showing you a hard hand and you come to these terms. But to your point, by showing that love, or it enables us to just be more whole and show up as fully and that energy transmits to others. Even also share a recent example and then a personal question on that note, an email thread yesterday about potential client and perhaps being a part of another political party. I wrote a pretty strong email internally.
And I said, we’re only giving the power to the situation, another person by saying, we’re not going to represent someone’s views that had nothing to do with politics, but because they lean a certain way, doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have a voice. It’s on us to, I think on what you’re saying, you got to lean into that emotional discomfort and grow from it.
Skye Michiels:
That’s right.
Bryan Wish:
But I think it creates a lot of fear and triggers. And so the message you have is strong. And so what I want to say or ask you to make this a little more, let’s just say tangible, let’s say the person listening to this has just started this journey or have thought about it, but don’t know where to start. When you say, I want to show up with love and kindness and love is power and strength, what are some explicit examples in your life where you have used that as a horse for good? And then seeing it come back to you in a way that you were never expecting or make change in someone else’s life. What comes up for you when I ask you?
Skye Michiels:
Well, I’m just going to relate it to what’s happening right now. I hate using the word politically, because this is historical. Historically what’s happening right now, for me, the ability to have a viewpoint that I feel passionate about and then the ability to communicate with another person with a very different viewpoint of mine in a way where I seriously am seeking understanding and where I’m seeking growth internally. So if I were to sit in this chair and say, I am right, my viewpoint is right and you are wrong. Well, what’s going to happen there is no growth, zero. This is the concept that I want to give you. Everyone is right.
It’s hard to grasp this. This is a tough one, but I want everyone to say this almost mentally or out loud, that everyone is right. So the person sitting across me that has maybe opposite views of what I’m thinking about, if I in my mind can say they are right. Me saying they’re right, does not mean I agree with them. What it does, it provides them with the power to be them. If I say to someone you are wrong, what I’m doing is I’m trying to tear that person down and I’m trying to destroy them rather than empowering them. So the minute I’d say to someone, and this is for your staff, for example, that has opposing views of this person that you guys are interviewing, if they could say to themselves, that person is right. I don’t agree with it, but they’re right.
Do you see the power shift and the power dynamic we’re moving into at that point? As opposed to saying, I don’t agree with that and they are wrong. What we’re doing is we’re creating power dynamics. When we can empower someone, that’s when we can create change. I’m not saying I need to change that person’s views, I’m saying we need to change the tone, the rhetoric, the feeling, the energy. Right? This country was built around differences. And the beauty of where we live is the fact that we have a system that is malleable and can flex and can bend and can move with history. And that’s what we’re going through and that’s what we’re experiencing now. But the great outcomes that have occurred in our country did not occur because we had two political parties that hated each other and people in the same families that don’t talk anymore or spouses or cousins or whatever it might be, because of a political view.
This is a political view, not who they are as a person. So the minute I say to that person across me, hey, so and so, you are right. I don’t necessarily agree with you, but you’re right. And you know what, I want to seek understanding of where your viewpoint is coming from. Because if I can understand it, well, then we can say, well, what’s our goal together? What’s our common goal? As opposed to saying, well, my goal is this, your goal is that, and so therefore we’re not going to talk to you anymore. What is sad world that is.
Bryan Wish:
Absolutely. And it takes a lot of maturity, and it takes, I think what’s easier said than done or what’s hard about that is, if people maybe haven’t reckoned maybe with themselves internally or things that really drive and trigger them, that’s a really hard place to get to and is off the table for so many. Not that it should be, but I think requires an immense amount of just development.
Skye Michiels:
Humility too. What you really need to do is you got to check your ego. I’m not right. I have no idea what’s right, what’s wrong or anything like that. And I think the minute I start saying that this is right, that’s wrong, that’s your ego raging out of control. I can decide what’s right for me in my personal world, right? That that’s possible. But I can’t determine that for every person that’s out there in the world.
Bryan Wish:
Well, I love what you said, just to recap. Everyone is right. Being able to bring in differences, love people for who they are and then evolve and work together in a way that’s connective, and also the fact we live in a country that enables us to do so if we choose, there’s power in that as well. I want to take everything we’ve discussed, which has been incredible substance to apply to your own life. But you’ve taken this now and you’ve applied it to your work at Compass. You’ve applied it to a book you’re coming out with to 6AMERS, thriving community yourself. I think what’s so hard, this is going to bring a question here, is going through a journey, coming away with these learnings and outcomes, but then bringing that to life in a way that’s going to be impactful.
But you seem to marry these lessons into everything you do and who you are. I would love to ask you, how have you gone about cultivating those lessons within the parts of your lives and creating new parts of your lives to make an impact from everything you’ve experienced.
Skye Michiels:
Great question. People may not want to hear this, but it’s every single fucking day you work at it. People think you wake up positive and you wake up happy, you don’t. You have to work at your authenticity, your connection to yourself, your soul, every single day. And a lot of people just want it to happen magically because we live in the society of instant gratification that I go on social media and I click a button and I see this beautiful image and that my life should reflect that. I want to go travel to a different city and I just pick up my phone and I put a map code in and I just don’t even need to think, I just drive down the road and it takes me there. I want food at 11 o’clock at night, boom, it’s on my doorstep in half an hour.
We’re breeding this concept of immediate gratification and immediate satisfaction. What people need to realize is that you need to work at happiness and positivity and love and kindness and all this stuff every single day, and it starts with you. So for me, everything I do is laced with this because of the fact that every single day I’m working at it. I’m listening to positive messages on podcasts. I’m reading great books, working out. For me physical health is everything, I’m trying to take care of my body, I’m thinking of what I’m putting inside my body. What am I putting inside my mind? At times like right now, I know it sounds ironic, but I literally will shut off the news because of rhetoric, rhetoric is not healthy from my spirit and my body, because it’s so charged. I can turn on CNN. I can turn on Fox.
It’s like I’m watching two different worlds exist. I don’t watch any of it frankly. I’ll do my own research, on my own terms of sources that I’ll find. But it’s my choice to engage in that and digest it as opposed to it being fed to me. Right? We got to recognize the fact that you will not wake up happy every single day, unless you start working at it. The more you work at it, just exactly like a muscle, working out or being healthy, the first week it’s going to get hard. As you do it more and more, not only will it get easier, but you’ll crave it, and it becomes part of everything that you do. For me, I wake up in the morning, not every morning, I want to be clear, I have bad days.
There’s arguments. Kristin will get mad at me for something I did. I’ll mess something up at work. I’ll make a mistake. I’ll forget to schedule the movers for this upcoming move, whatever, you get the point, right? The idea is I don’t want to be perfect. I want to be practicing. Every single day, as long as I’m practicing and as long as I’m working at it, that’s happiness. I think a lot of people they’ll set a goal or say, well, when I do this, when I accomplish this, when I get here, then I’ll be happy. And the challenge I have for everyone is, how can I be happy here in this step? So yeah, I’ll have a goal there, but today I’m going to take a step. But that step is the goal. Tomorrow that next step is the goal. The next step is the goal. Right?
And if you can get happy in the stepping towards the goals, that’s when you unlock this power that is so magical and so special, but everyone instead says, I want it now, I don’t have it now, and therefore I’m not happy. Because we are breeding this instant gratification into our minds and our brain is consuming this all the time. So as our brains, you got to remember are caveman brains. So if we’re teaching our brain that I can get instant gratification, when we can’t, then we’re unhappy. So you got to be battling this constantly and you got to be working at it constantly in order to get to this point where you can just literally float downstream, and my days are beautiful days, [inaudible 00:43:45].
Bryan Wish:
And behind you, it’s this discipline equals freedom.
Skye Michiels:
That’s right.
Bryan Wish:
Like you’re saying, it’s the discipline, it’s the work that you’re putting in. It’s not easy. It’s still discomfort. I heard a quote, maybe you posted it on Instagram. You have the regret of not doing the things that are uncomfortable. Was that you?
Skye Michiels:
It might have been, it feels familiar. I can’t it remember off head.
Bryan Wish:
It was like the regret of not choosing the life you want or the choosing the discomfort today to get the life you want. I think there’s so much truth in that. Someone said to me, life coach I work with, there’s pain either way and you choose your pain lane. That quote was beautiful to me that I think you put up. For you Skye, you like seem an incredibly intentional, obviously not perfect human. We are all flawed, but intentional and thoughtful and deliberate to the things that you care about. Were these things, for the people listening, was it in a few years here’s my vision of where I want to be, or has this been a natural evolution of picking up different tools along the way, and now you have this playground to play within because you’ve built your own sandbox?
Skye Michiels:
It’s the latter in the sense that I’ve always been growing. And then it’s the knowledge that I’m never going to be done. A concept to think about. I picked this up at a conference, so it’s not original to me, but they talked about a mountain with no top. And the idea that we are climbing a mountain with no top and for me I always want to be climbing. And that is happiness, not getting to the top. While I’ve every day work at it and I develop new things, I know I got even more things in the future. And a concept to think about is a concept called expansion. The idea is for me, I will never stop expanding. The day I die is the day I stop expanding. And even then, if you want to get spiritual, it’s probably the ultimate expansion.
But at the end of the day for me, I always want to be expanding. I always want to be learning. I always want to be challenging myself. And every year that I live, I want to do things that challenge myself in a positive way. And then the key ingredient here, Bryan, have fun doing it. It’s not worth it if it’s not fun. We live in this, a lot of these coaches that are out there, grind and push yourself and make yourself uncomfortable and dah, dah, dah. Well, you know what, I’m not going to go take a cold bath. You know why? Because I like my warm shower and that doesn’t make me a bad person, but hey, if you want to go jump in cold water and freeze yourself, cool. I have no problem with that. You’re right.
Bryan Wish:
Right. That’s your own freedom.
Skye Michiels:
You’re right. However, this guy is going to be in a nice warm shower with some nice soap and everything like that. And I’m going to enjoy the fuck out of that shower. I am going to love that shower and I am not taking a cold bath and that does not make me a bad person. And this is a concept I talk about going downstream. Right? All right. And hey, there’s no one you’ll find that can push themselves harder than me. But in that pushing myself, I am going to have fun. I’m going to laugh, I’m going to joke around, I’m going to listen to great music and I am going to push myself. But if I find myself doing it in a way that is not enjoyable, that is not fun, that is, quote unquote, grinding, I’m not doing something right.
And the more we go upstream, the more we battle that stream, the further away we get from where we’re trying to go. And in many ways visualize that boat you’re in and you’re paddling paddling, paddling, and you’re not having fun and you’re grinding, well, turn that boat around, go downstream, have fun work even harder, but in the process, you’re happy. All of a sudden you’re going to start to find that you’re attracting all this magical stuff into your life. And the reason being is when we’re grinding, we’re going upstream or we’re battling, quote unquote, what we’re doing is we’re inserting all kinds of negativity into our world. We’re really attracting this negative stuff because of the fact that we’re not happy.
The minute we turn down stream and we’re happy, magic happens. And that’s a concept to think about, what are you doing in your life today that is battling the stream and what can you do to turn the boat around and just let go of that? I’m not saying to not work hard, right? Going downstream and floating does not mean that you can’t work really hard, but if you’re working hard and you’re not having fun at it, you are going upstream. And the key to life in my opinion is figuring out how to go downstream, accomplish massive things and have fun in the process.
Bryan Wish:
I love that you are speaking to this, and I couldn’t agree more. And at the same time, there is a question that I think will also give some weight to what you just said as well, to go upstream it’s a hard feeling. You’re right, you feel it and you’re bringing in negative things in and you’re fighting against the grain. But when you go downstream, it’s more of a flow and you can still work super hard. So everything you just said is 100% true. But for you I think it’s two distinct feelings, and it takes a level of, I would say more bodily awareness or tuning in to that inner voice or wisdom. How are you able to tap into that? How do you know if you’re going upstream or downstream?
Skye Michiels:
The first thing is you got to get in touch with yourself. Right? You need to know what it is that feels upstream, what it is that feels downstream. For me personally, and this is going to be different for every person, but the practice of self love is the number one thing that you can do. So what can I do to love myself and what are the things that materialize for me to practice this? For me, I was an athlete growing up. I want to call myself an athlete today. And for me it starts with physical health. When I’m physically healthy, connected to myself, I can move in a way where I feel powerful. My body is strong, et cetera. That for me is the beginning stage.
The second stage for me is my mind. I want my mind to constantly be working and thinking and challenged and creative, et cetera. So for me then to do that for me, is reading. I’ll read every day. The goal is to read. I don’t read every day, but I that’s my hope, is that I’m reading every day. A book I’m going to start up is Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey.
Bryan Wish:
Oh yeah. It’s a good one.
Skye Michiels:
I heard it’s great. But you think about, now unfortunately I can’t go and call Matthew McConaughey on the phone and say, hey, can you give me some advice? For $15 though I can get advice from Matthew McConaughey. And that is one of the best investments that you can make, that you can learn from these brilliant people that exist in the world every single day. So for me, that’s number two is my mind. And then the third thing is my spirit. My love, my passion. For me, I practice the law of attraction. In a nutshell the law of attraction is thoughts or things. If I think good things, I attract things. If I think bad things, I attract bad things. It’s a very simplistic explanation. For me, I’ll listen to, I’ll either meditate. I’ll listen to an Abraham Hicks clip. I’ll do something that addresses my spirit, so to speak.
That’s my simple one, two, three formula of practicing self love. And then there’s this concept that I’ve created with the 6AMERS, we call it healthy selfish. If I say the word selfish to you, Bryan, or anyone listening, you’re into reaction. It’s like, Ooh, I don’t want to be, that’s bad. Selfish is bad. I want to actually flip that on its head though. And when we put the word healthy in front of it, it gives it a connotation that is positive instead of negative. Healthy selfish is about doing things that are healthy and selfish for you. So going to get a massage, maybe getting a pedicure, going for a run, going to play golf. This is not specific to everyone out there, but at the end of the day, what is it that you feel is selfish, but it’s also healthy for you?
I’m not saying to go out there and you steal money from people. That’s not the concept we’re talking about. We’re talking about being connected to yourself, loving yourself. Because when you do that, that’s where you can show up in a powerful method and manner to people in your world where your happiness, and as sad as it is sometimes when you’re dealing with people in your world that you love and you care about that are going through a rough time, but my happiness is not conditioned on them. Yes, of course I have empathy and it’s hard, all this stuff. But at the end of the day, I can be in my little world that I’ve created when I’m practicing self love.
And ironically when I do that, I’m actually helping them more by showing up in a more powerful way in their life, as opposed to you need this, let me give you this, let give you this, let me give you this, let me give you this. What are you doing? You’re taking from yourself. Taking, taking, taking. When I build myself up, I can give infinitely because there’s so much abundance coming out of me.
Bryan Wish:
Skye, this has been a treat. I love how you recap body, mind, spirit, putting yourself first, the things that you do within that, it’s almost codified in a way, but I’m sure much more flowy for you and what feels right in the moment. This has been a treat. Skye, where can people find you, follow you? You’re coming out with the book here, which [inaudible 00:54:27].
Skye Michiels:
Probably the easiest place is Instagram or Facebook as well. At Skye, S-K-Y-E, Michiels is M-I-C-H-I-E-L-S. That’s my personal page. You could also follow the six at the TAG, the number six, A-M-E-R-S. Those are two Instagram accounts that I run. My email is skye@compass.com, pretty easy. And those are probably the three methods of getting in touch with me if you need more information. And then obviously on social media will be promoting the book. I’m on all the social platforms as well, LinkedIn et cetera.
Bryan Wish:
Awesome. Well, thank you so much for being here with us today.
Skye Michiels:
Thank you. I had a great time and it was really enjoyable.